So today I am extremely tired. I barely slept last night.
I dont sleep very often. Those with depression would understand this. You either sleep way too much, or cant sleep at all. I’m the latter.
For quite a few years now, I have horrible nightmares. It happens most nights, and because of the way my brain functions, it can make it hard to tell the difference between what I am dreaming and the real world when I wake up. Awake, I am still plagued by the bad feelings, and the fear.
Also, I tend to wake up every hour or so during the night. I cant remember a day when I haven’t felt tired, and I dont mean tired like “I missed an hour or two of sleep” or “I stayed up late to watch House MD reruns”, I mean tired as in lethargic, completely brain dead, impossible to function correctly.
I remember last year in my Chemistry exam, I hadnt sleep well for a few days, because of anxiety and stress, and I fell asleep like 5 times during my exam. The exam last 3 hours, and I have no idea what delusional things I had written. I dont even remember most of the exam! I remember brief periods of lucidity, and scribbling some nonsense. I was pretty much sleep-walking.
I haven’t had an easy past, and I suppose one day I’ll be able to talk about it easier.. but it doesn’t prevent the memories from haunting me.
Im quite educated when it comes to anxiety.
I myself have anxiety, and take a medication for it. I know the feeling inside when your chest gets tight, and your heart feels slow and heavy, and then fast and light all at the same time. I know the feeling of your lungs closing in on you and your trachea shrinking.
What do I get anxious about? Plenty of things. Mostly, about my boyfriend. Im absolutely terrified of him leaving me, even though we have been together 5 years.
Im terrified of the dark, to the point where I will burst into tears like a small child if the light is turned off on me.
Im anxious about what people think about me. About what I look like, or how they feel about me, do they talk about me behind my back?
I get paranoid when I attend my classes. If I miss even one class, it makes it extremely difficult to go back the next week. I cant explain it…I just cant go. The fear of going is overwhelming.
My boyfriend has social anxiety. He can barely go out into public without feeling anxious, alert, paranoid.. Ive seen him make himself physically ill just thinking about going outside. He doesn’t like anyone. Its his instant go-to emotion of meeting someone new (which is rare). He hasn’t gotten his drivers license yet because the final test requires he takes a driven assessment with an instructor. He’s terrified of being in a car with a stranger that he wont do it. He’s taken all the steps up to there; lessons with his mum, practice… he just cant get over that “speed bump” and take the next step.
Yes it makes our relationship difficult sometimes, but Im trying to help him. Trying to make him comfortable.
My name is Firefly. Well not really, but I’m calling myself that for the sake of anonymity.
I have Bipolar Type II disorder. This means I suffer from serious bouts of major depression, and moments of undeniable happiness, known as mania.
There are days where I am so happy, so elated for a few hours, that nothing could bring me down. Then there are days, sometimes stretching into a full week, where I can do nothing but cry. I dont just mean a few tears, I mean full sobbing, heart-wrenching, cant-breathe, lungs-going-to-collapse kind of breakdown.
Everyday is a struggle. Each night when I go to bed, I never know what tomorrow will bring or how Im going to feel. I do not know if tomorrow I will wake up wanting to kill myself or if I want to go skydiving and do some exceptional.
One of the hardest things, is not having a reason for being so depressed. Its so frustrating not being able to comprehend WHY or HOW.
Ive been dealing with my depression since I was 12 years old. Im almost 21 now.
For my depression I take an SSRI inhibitor. This allows me to maintain a steady mind when I hit a low, and to keep me at average feelings, instead of being so out of control of my emotions.
Currently, I am trying to take it one day at a time. Its hard, its really hard. People always overlook depression like its so easy to overcome. Like you should just think happy thoughts and then you will be happy. Its not always that easy, not for everyone.
So if someone tells you they are unhappy, never overlook it. They might be fighting a harder battle than you know.
